Our loneliness kills

In this carriage between platforms, how far will you travel not to return?

Screen Shot 2017-04-21 at 12.05.21 pm

Nobody looks on a subway train. Each day our loneliness lies and kills the room where truth sits in our hearts.

Nobody looks on a subway train  – we look up and then look down.

On a subway train I find my perfect concealment for nobody looks on a subway train.

Nobody looks for the beaded cling film above my lips, or the subway-sulphur-stench, the acrid miasma of a predator in waiting.

Beads of sweat stream from my ears to my tongue, not unlike your desert lizards, a trait I have inherited, built to compensate against searing heat and lack of moisture. But as you stand shivering blue lipped before me, I rejoice.

Screen Shot 2017-04-21 at 12.05.45 pm

Your smile cleaves a path towards me, its glimmer armed from a lifetime of exceeding the parochial aspirations of the others, tears undress the beat up pretty from your face but your smile cleaves a path towards me, your smile hurts people.

     ”Ten thousand and hes’s dead”, you say.

In your eyes, to survive you expect my retreat, but I stay.

In my eyes, to survive you must escape me, but you stay.

monica

 ‘I smell weird’ you say.

My tongue worms from side to side, then smothers my lips thickening in my throat.

I am these things and more” I say. 

There’s weird and there’s smell weird and there are many freaks in here.

 

 

Thanks for reading X

All images with many thanks to Pinterest.

How do you find love, passion and yes, more sex, now that you are single?

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-10-14-33-pm

High noon blazed across the barren landscape of my bedroom. My opponent and I stood stiffened spine to stiffened spine. Now that I was single, the bedroom showdown had begun.

Like a cattleman’s whip loneliness stings my curiosity and I turn to the brutal crack of reality.

My opponent turns low, palms sweating, hands drawn and twitching, matching my speed, my centre-part and right-cheek mole.

Yep I’m playing Cowboys and Indians, in my bedroom mirror, alone.

Single and no chance of any Cowboys or Indians on this horizon. Not anytime soon. Damn!

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-9-47-39-pm

What was my first thought when I found myself ‘single’?

I would like to say my first thought was gracious and altruistic.

It was not.

It was, ‘Oh no. No more sex for me’.

cropped-screen-shot-2014-09-04-at-6-36-02-pm3

Then I remembered the ‘super secret’ tucked in my bedside cabinet. 

Sunlight probed the tortoiseshell cabinet and with one long fingered nudge the drawer shuddered open.

To reveal one bar of chocolate and one gaping space. My vibrator was gone.

Between moving house, tossing the – ‘things that no longer spark joy’, down-sizing my relationship status and child -proofing mummy’s side of the bed-I had rubbished my vibrating friend.

I tore open the chocolate bar and popped it sideways into my mouth.

On my tongue the sweet slide was … wanting.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-10-00-14-pm

I know vibrators have limitations … they come without Ryan Gosling six-packs and their midday shadows will never loom tall, with Clint Eastwood smiles, swaggering ‘do you feel lucky, well do you?’

clint

I needed a replacement. But how? I was enroute to Uni and my morning class with hot lecturer.

A little bit of History: Today more than 70% of women own at least one vibrator. 

Just think, we owe our favourite buzzing companion’s invention, to the over worked hands of 19th century Doctors. 

Medical hand jobs were the only cure for 19th century ladies suffering from Hysteria. 

Unable to keep up with the demand and with chronic hand fatigue – Doctors required assistance.

Ask and it will be given – a gift from the gods.

Squished on a peak hour train, fast-track to Uni, between Miss Unfriendly and Mr Too Friendly a sign from the gods’ flutters on my nike airs.

The newspaper’s red letters leap – SALE/BUNNINGSsavings on bulk purchases of AA batteries.

A grinch like grin stretches the slick of my Chanel lacquered lips and sneers off all leery lurking commuters.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-10-11-36-pm

My eyelashes batter off the armpit tendrils of  Mr No-Deodorant-Wearing, Hairy Armpit.

I whip out my phone and tap purchase.

I raise my phone triumphant above my head to screen save my checkout basket.

Lit from above, an unearthly fluorescent-pink-sheen illuminates myself and all my fellow commuters.

We stand, bathed pink, by the formidable full screen selfie, of my new vibrator.

I wish I were Spock calling Scotty, ‘Beam me up Scotty, to a galaxy far, far away’.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-10-05-18-pm

The number one reason I found myself single: I forgot to love myself first. She loved life and it loved her right back.

screen-shot-2014-09-04-at-8-30-33-pm

Once I remembered who I was,  I forgot about looking outside of myself for love. 

In being alone I remembered I loved being me.

 Yes I found love again but if we want more love, passion, pleasure and sex in our lives, we must learn to love ourselves first.

 

  All images from Pinterest. You can find me on Pinterest here.X

Yikes! I have just arrived at my first school-parent’s party. What do I do now, when I discover I’m on the menu?

 

screen-shot-2014-10-01-at-3-33-08-pm

Somewhere in Bondi, on a street leading to the ocean, a black lacquered door throbs with music and a golden doorknob beckons.

Navy silk fringing falls from my hips, skimming my thighs and falling to my knees. A band of navy Italian lace covers my hips exposing my midriff. I suck my belly button back to my spine, check my boobies are still bound inside the navy lace bandage top, shoulder roll my men’s pinstripe blazer and reach for the curve of the golden orb.

The golden knob slips from my grasp, as the door swings wide. My eyelashes tremble under the welcoming wink of an oiled navel and golden G-string.

The greeting is unexpected and magnificent.

I offer up my invitation in the sobering event that I am definitely not expected at this party. I have been invited by parents of a five-year-old friend of my daughters, our daughters new friends at a private co-ed school in Sydney. I don’t think golden knobs and G-strings are part of the mixing and mingling at that party.

PARTY INVITATION

On a smooth high gloss 9 by 20cm photographic card dance three naked woman, texture and movement supplied by their 70’s styled pubic hair fullness.

Dress code: Sexy cool

Theme: 007 meets Barry White

Champagne pops on a tray offered by the almost naked, black doorman.

I’m in.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-10-21-40-pm

 

As the bubbles prick my nose the unexpected magnificence just keeps giving.

My eyes widen at a Melbourne train carriage (life-size) embedded flush in the cavernous rooms right wall. The hosts parked dining room.

I pad over the candle-lit, wide beam Japanese black-oak floor, aware I really don’t want to puncture the floorboards with my heels. I am excited and nervous all at once and I shiver like Christmas Eve with silent promise for the night.

The World is Not Enough

Bond: “I was wrong about you.”
Christmas Jones: “Yeah, how so?”
Bond: “I thought Christmas only comes once a year.”

Beyond the room a sail clothed canopy hangs above an outdoor DJ, circling a tinkling bar with a throb of clustered bodies.

A dancing lunatic pulls me on to the dance floor.

I am completely ill at ease.

A handsome stranger rescues me.

I am completely at ease.

debs-woolahra-104

 

This shot of me at a North Bondi Beach photo shoot,taken a few days before ‘this’ party.

In fact the party is full of throbs of people really at ease. As I get up for breathing space from a group of strangers who are now intimate with the size of my facial pores, under the bench of my brow I watch the room. The room is full of clusters of people, really into getting to know people they have just met.

There are no leery eyed stares, just people enjoying a luxurious party with all the trimmings, fresh delectable canapés, chilled golden flutes of erupting French champagne and two-legged predators with smiles of inarticulate longing.

I look at the wad of business cards that have been pressed into my hand by all of my new friends and contacts at this party.

For some strange reason I feel like the main course.

 

As I walk upstairs to find a bathroom, bedroom doors open to scenes from Arabian nights, without bodies yet. Candle lit water bowls with floating frangipani dot paths to the King size beds.

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-10-27-28-pm

A strange little man jumps from the shadows and pulls me towards a bed.

I break free and jig to the stairs – there has to be/there must be a toilet downstairs.

This party is for a select group of people who are aware the rules of the game are about swinging. Swapping loved ones and partners and sharing sexual pleasures with strangers with consent from your other half.

I’ve decided I am not playing and if I had a loved one, I wouldn’t be sharing. I watch the fringe of the dance floor and know I am not the only one feeling this way.

One woman I know is standing in the shadows watching her husband dirty dance with another. She does not look angry or excited, she looks sad.

007 house rules, to kiss without telling and like 007, I leave early.

Sex, is a game best played by choice.

Remember to choose what game you are playing, before the game you are playing chooses you.

johnny

 

Although I don’t think love was the game being played at this Swingers Party, I cant help but agree with this quote from Johnny Depp.

‘If you love two people at the same time, choose the second.

Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second’.

 

Lisbeth and the Mighty Stag

The mighty stag flared out his nostrils and cradled her palms to his breast.

Screen Shot 2015-01-26 at 8.03.00 PM

‘I need to touch you’,she said, ‘to remember I am real.’

Screen Shot 2015-07-25 at 3.10.36 PM  

‘We are lost’ he said, ‘but not lost my love’.

Fearsome wolves and talon-less eagles circled their frayed breath. For feathered and furred each knew this place – the place where all forget.

On the crest of that hill two watched  and wept for a sight that lay most foul.  Circled above plucked eyeless the others they prayed – for they no longer saw.

For beneath them all, the earth lay bare an unimaginable scene. Guttered bones staked as signposts –  disastrous beasts lain waste on a bloodied battlefield.

This the place where time forgot with those forgot – the tangled emptied beasts. Who dance forgot until all is forgot – who sing mute in silent pain. 

 

The place where people forgot drank the air and the stag now stooped and low – drew hard upon the memory of the creature he had been.

Screen Shot 2015-01-26 at 8.00.05 PM

The shuddered landscape wept before his doleful eyes – liquid-brown, liquid-pure, liquid.

Through lashes stared long the mighty stag held Lisbeth in his gaze,

‘Have faith my love – for this is the place where if one comes as far as you and I – remembering is our only way through.’

All images with many thanks from Pinterest

7 Day Nature Challenge

Day One – Nature Challenge.

Exhilirating, running about in the rain this morning.Thank you to my darling friend Darrin Paulsen for my

#7daynaturechallenge

Melbourne storms and raindrops all night long.

Day Two – Nature Challenge

#beautifulmelbourne#7daynaturechallenge #artinthecity#architecture

OK, I know this is man made … But, the nature of a city X

Riding on an escalator looking up.

Screen Shot 2016-03-20 at 6.36.01 PM

Day Three – Nature Challenge

Nature’s beauty – Sparks of magic at my doorstep xxx

 

… just 4 more days of appreciating the simple beauty of nature’s presence. In constant awe xxx

The Friend. Fiction/Thriller/love story

Ta da’  said Connie as she smacked the bouquet the size of a mini haystack into Elvi’s nose. Monkish heads bound in black tissue jostled, their fragrance bruised, brutal, raw like the choice to leave a lover  too-hard-to-let-go.

 Oriental lilies, Elvi’s favourites -Elvi hated them on sight

screen-shot-2016-12-08-at-1-05-46-pm

‘Thank you’, Elvi said ‘they’re gorgeous.’

How the hell did Connie find her.

Elvi’s lips jutted forward and kissed Connie, twice – a life skill over developed.

Twice, one kiss on each side of her face, keep your friends close and your enemy’s closer flickered beneath Elvi’s lashes.

‘ You shouldn’t have,’ said Elvi.

Connie drew a shallow breath, then another.

‘To be honest, I didn’t,’ she said.

When you opened the door  you looked like a Christmas puppy all eager and fluffy waiting to be loved. ‘They were here on your doorstep.

 I had to give them to you,’ she said.

‘They were on your doorstep’, the flowers quivered fresh.
Elvi pushed past Connie and squinted into the blazing sun,down the ocean road and back into town … ‘Fluffy and eager,’ she and Connie were never going to be friends.

The road was littered with the ant-trail pageantry of gleaming black 4WD’s. Expensive 4WD’s, driven by the dishevelled Nike branded army of kids who surfed every day and ate with double jointed credit cards.

Screen Shot 2015-10-26 at 4.10.41 PM

Who am I kidding, I’m looking for one 4WD, I’m looking for him.

Screen Shot 2015-10-26 at 4.01.55 PM

Elvi dragged her glazed eyes from the sunset – looking for him hurt.

Connie stood before her with narrowing eyes shutting the light retaining every detail of Elvi’s pain and escape.

Connie’s grin widened to the footsteps Elvi heard approaching behind her.

‘Jeff, long time no see stranger’,  said Connie. And she brushed past Elvi into Jeff’s arms.

‘I saw these flowers’ said Connie as her fingers danced across Elvi’s wrist and down towards the quivering stems. ‘I saw these flowers’ said Connie – the monk headed bouquet froze ‘well I told your wife here they were for her but you know I bought them for you.’ she said as she reached up and kissed him.

Jeff laughed, “Come in Connie, we’ve missed you.’ he said  Elvi felt the tenderness of his hand and turned from the shame of his love.

“Come ladies, let me fix us something sparkling’ he said.

Images from Pinterest and my picture gallery

Not one thing more captivating than involving your ‘whole-heart’ in the pursuit of your dreams.

There is not one thing more captivating than involving your ‘wholeheart’ in the pursuit of your dreams.

Its easier to live wholeheartedly when you have a tribe who support you.

Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 10.57.22 AM

Find your tribe X

How do I find my tribe?  How will I know they are my tribe? What is my tribe?

The top five ways to find your tribe

  1. Be 100% yourself, know that you are more than enough just by being you!
  2. Step in the direction of your passions, your projects, your inspirations.
  3. Meditate, meditate, meditate. It works! In the stillness doors open for you. All you have to do is step through. And dont panic if you think you may have missed your door – doors keep opening!
  4. Fear might jump up and laugh at your tribe of one – when you begin, but just wave at fear, even smile. As you fall into the wholeness of yourself you will begin to shine. Those who are like you will have no choice but to flock and pursue you. I believe it’s true – like attracts like.
  5. Remember the things you want, want you too X

 Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 10.04.16 AM

I am grateful and astounded each day by the beautiful women I hold close and surround myself with. The women that open themselves beyond curiosity about me: the ones that crack open their vulnerabilities with passion and share.

The women of a tribe that share and live wholeheartedly. Authentic women – my kind of tribe X   Simmon Wagner – theloveauthentic

Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 10.16.10 AM

As much as I believe in a tribe of authentic and powerful women at my back and in my arms, I love and am grateful for the beautiful men and children who rest in my arms too.

Each day hold close the members of your tribe – remembering not to hold too tight – leave space for growth and the unexpected X

Simmon Wagner – theloveauthentic

Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 11.05.44 AM 

All images with many thanks from Pinterest X

Fast Love, how far do I have to get up, to get down?

  Screen Shot 2014-11-03 at 4.00.59 PM

FAST LOVE

I don’t even want to waste your time

Lets just say that maybe

You could help to ease my mind

Baby I aint Mr. Right.

But if you’re looking for fast love.

GEORGE MICHAEL

Fast Love, how far do I have to get up, to get down?

I love meeting people, their vulnerable quirks, their first, their second impressions and all their unedited shades in between.

How far do I have to get up?

I shiver in the chase of old-fashioned good manners.

I get up and introduce myself to a great smile, I get up to be present in my lifewithout uploading my stats online. Without expectation I welcome the unknown.

In the past, love found me when I wasn’t looking.

Screen Shot 2014-11-04 at 5.23.29 PM

 I don’t date online; I believe it is fast love.

Like fast food, dial and deliver, online dating has a place in our lives. Fast, immediate, convenient, dialled when the cupboards are bare.

I have friends and family who love online dating and who have had great success and spectacular failures – it’s just not for me.

Online dating is too public, a girlfriend called me with an online dating link to my ex-husband. My ex’s profile photo was one we had photographed overseas together – on our pre-wedding honeymoon. The edited version was cropped to exclude me – it was a great photo.

Screen Shot 2014-11-03 at 6.04.24 PM

How far do I have to get up to get down?

I am confused by the need to maintain a dating profile, I prefer to be still and have found I make better decisions when I am in this state.

“I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.”

― Johnny Depp

FAST LOVE  – OPTION 3

FADE IN:

1.EXT. CAFÉ – MORNING

Simmon, athletic, in her 40’s is seated at a table ducked behind an upside down newspaper. Amy in her early 40’s, approaches swings a custard croissant and rubs the rock on her engagement finger.

AMY

Hey, I thought that was you behind that upside down newspaper. Are you here alone?

So you dating anyone? You really need to get back up on it.

SIMMON (Option 1)

Smile and wave like the penguins on Madagascar.

Screen Shot 2014-11-03 at 3.38.34 PM

SIMMON (Option 2)

No, here alone, dating myself.  My next great love is on his way.

AMY

You are too funny … but god, you must be missing it?

SIMMON

Sex? As for sex, yes I have sex, whenever I want with myself

2.EXT.STREET – MORNING

Whirring roar of a helicopter landing

Chairs and tables fly past the café as a Helicopter lands on the street. Cars and pedestrians stand still in shock.

The helicopter door swings open and three cloaked men jump onto the street. They remove their hoods and Johnny Depp, George Michael and Jason Statham stride into the café.

3.INT.CAFE – MORNING

Johnny, George and Jason saunter across to Simmon’s table. Behind them Amy sits on top of her custard croissant in shock.

JOHNNY, GEORGE AND JASON

Simmon we are standing in front of you, but you are busy dating online.

Screen Shot 2014-11-03 at 3.27.28 PM

A loud explosion shatters the café window behind them. Standing in the rubble a small man who looks nothing like his online dating profile, shuffles forward. He clears his throat and wipes his nose with his sleeve. He inspects what his nose has left on his sleeve.

SMALL MAN

Hi I am here to meet Simmon. I am her chosen one – her perfect match.

SIMMON

Yikes, Option 3?

Screen Shot 2014-10-07 at 5.26.43 PM

FADE OUT:

Quotes and images with thanks from Pinterest

A NAKED WOMAN IN PARIS.

 

screen-shot-2016-12-07-at-10-48-27-pm

On her balcony alone, she stretched her limbs, taut, stark and naked against the restless hunger of her room.

Hidden behind a curtain in Paris, I watched her.

Screen Shot 2014-11-04 at 11.47.31 AM

Her hair and bedroom peered out behind her, a savage battle nest of tossed bed sheets of knotted tangles and abandoned clothing. The spoils of a front line where she the victor, had prowled like a predator and escaped.

Her nakedness was glorious.

On the  balcony of her top floor Parisian apartment, she drew a breath on a slender cigar. On the edge of her balcony she twisted her limbs about the black wrought iron rail and perched like a gothic raven above the Marais street walkers, five balconies below.

Come to the edge, Life said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, Life said.
They came. It pushed them…
And they flew.”

― Guilliame Apollinaire French Poet

Hidden behind my silk curtain, I watched her.

Screen Shot 2014-11-04 at 11.45.56 AM

Sweet smoke drifted forward from her balcony and found me. The same heady breeze crept through my hiding place and exposed me. Like a thief not sure if I was caught, I my clutched the curtain edge rigid and drew it back.

I was in Paris with my now ex husband and my darling daughter, both were asleep as I stepped onto that balcony and saw her. I could have stepped back, but I didn’t.

Her raw beauty and my curiosity mirrored the daylight that gripped the edge of darkness and opened my life. I was not ready to leave.

In Paris alone on my balcony I wanted to stay, I wanted to watch her.

The naked woman on the balcony reminded me of the parts of me I had lost. The parts of me in trying to conform had been broken.

I needed to wake up and reclaim myself, I needed some time to be disheveled, naked and alone.

Paris woke up and undid me.

I stepped forward, she waved.

I waved back.

She was comfortable being herself, her nudity was part of who she was in that moment and she was content and present.

The naked woman on her Paris balcony represented to me, a woman living in her own freedom.

Glorious, naked and real.The qualities at that moment in my life I too wanted to express.

Screen Shot 2014-11-04 at 5.27.54 PM

Above the street, an amber light and ocean darkness slipped from the naked woman on the balcony’s room and following her lead I sunk into bed.

The gentle roll of my now ex-husband’s snore and the vulnerable trust of my daughter’s love slept.

Timing is everything when you have plans to reclaim yourself and exhausted like the naked woman in her room, I fell asleep.

My life was about to change again and I needed rest to be ready.

DCF 1.0
DCF 1.0

The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before

– ALBERT EINSTEIN

balcony-marais